while you walk around, jangling the keys to yourself

There are days, weeks even - that are just plain hard to get through.

This being one of them [day and week both].

I can't wake up in the morning, I can't fall asleep at night.  

My head hurts, my back hurts, my heart hurts.

I have ideas upon ideas - moments of stark clarity and moments of fuzz.

Longer moments of fuzz and then pure static.

I watch everything, try to figure it out. 

Work towards the answers, but don't know the questions.

Think thoughtfully and weigh my options.

I am second guessing every move and scheming a way to just chuck it all and become an anthropologist or a Jedi knight or maybe write a book and call myself an author.  I could live on nothing but the zucchini from our garden and the food stuffed in our cabinets for awhile. Perhaps I could sustain on the houseplants?

But then, I fear.

I fret.

And I cry out sobs of impatience and insecurity.

The tarot reader says, "Imagine what your life would be like if you had been empowered with your strengths from the day you were born. Imagine that you are the same age as you are now and that you had all the tools and all the encouragement you ever needed. Where would you be, what would you be doing?" 

Do I even know the answer to that?

_