Monday, February 8, 2010
It's not, "Like I didn’t see it coming, like I didn’t walk in willingly."
I didn’t do it all on purpose - but I didn’t do it blindly either.
I just knew the road I was supposed to follow.
I knew the things I did were the things I was supposed to do.
So, I walked it willingly – I did. But, I didn’t entirely see it coming. I navigated a lot of life without the language of things the way we consciously think of them – rather, with some indigenous knowledge of how things were supposed to be. I knew where to turn and where to pause. I knew where not to turn or when to keep going. I just knew.
And sometimes I would find myself angry at the universe for the way things were and after it was all over, I would have to thank the universe for giving me the opportunity to see the way. To hear the lessons that were hiding in the grief. To believe the edge was not too high for me to jump from. I knew inside that I would end up where I belonged, but I hesitated at the brink.
Those times I was afraid – those were the times I walked it willingly – though reluctant inside. But I walked it because I didn’t consciously get that everything would be ok if I didn’t – that the world would work itself out if I stopped walking or changed paths.
Those were the times I was compromising the truth. The fear took over and the truth took a back seat. The things society taught me were horrible.
You can’t change your mind.
You must stay.
You do not deserve to be free of this.
You owe it to her.
“Here’s what I find about compromise: Don’t do it if it hurts inside because either way you’re screwed. And eventually you’ll find you may as well feel good. And you may as well have some pride.”
And I was screwed. I was willingly screwed. I was unconsciously, willingly, painfully screwed. And I had little pride.