Friday, August 28, 2009
Week One To Do, exactly in this order:
1) Get tattoo fixed
2) Create space for self-actualization [apply for jobs I like]
3) Meet with best friend to talk about polyamory
4) Look at some houses - find a storage unit - move out of current house
5) Make sure cat has a place to live while I see the country by RV for a few months (maybe she can come with me if I’m in an RV??? She would like that)
6) Stay single
They say it takes Saturn about 29.5 years to return to where it was when a person was born. At the time this happens, a person goes through a major change or shift in some way. It’s like a mini collapsing-in of a person’s world, or mere aspects of it, so that she can build it back up on her own terms - and possibly / hopefully - with better foundations.
Foundations seem like they would be a good idea for something to stay built up for a long time. If we all go through a period of foundation re-building in our 30th year, I guess that means most of us have bad foundations to start out with. It’s like the HOA’s of our childhood didn’t have enough permits or we got a bad contractor or something. Maybe it’s even the cement company’s fault. They seem like good people to blame for bad foundations.
In my case, I think the cement company never showed up to pour the foundation and the builders just started building away. That would explain why I get the mysterious shakes for no good reason and why I grew to 5’10” by the time I reached 7th grade. That’s got to be what happened to me.
Week Two, not entirely in this order:
1) Interview for awesome job that I didn’t expect to find
2) Pack all worldly possessions and rent a U-haul truck
3) Try not to laugh at the irony of the U-haul truck when moving out of an ex’s house instead of into it
4) Revisit polyamory discussion over home-made dinner and walks on the beach
5) Reconfigure “Stay single” statement into a statement that more accurately and less negatively says, “Be true to yourself and work toward your own goals and ambitions.”
6) Stop fucking flirting!!!!!
It’s not my family that I blame. They were pretty great - mistakes and faults aside. There’s something else. There was some other thing that made this happen – the universe has a bigger plan for me; my previous lives are catching up with me. Maybe my lack of spirituality is involved.
Maybe my brain and my heart just could not build a road to one another (of course they couldn’t have even if they had wanted to – the cement pourers never showed up after all). How could they communicate with one another? My brain and heart were built before the age of cell phones and email, so they must have missed the opportunity to have any agreement. Just a little check-in every now and then would have been nice. “Coffee talk,” as my friend Amy says in her New Jersey accent. My heart and head just needed to have a little coffee talk, perhaps...
Possibly, quite possibly in fact, I just needed to speak my truth. I was out of alignment with my values and myself. Somewhere deep inside me, the truth was there. I was not aware of it’s meaning, but I could feel it in there – moving inside me and talking to me through upset stomachs and panic attacks. It held passions and desires, guilts and fears. It held secrets to my past, but also secrets to my future. The truth.
Week Three, in any order you chose:
1) Organize kitchen in new house
2) Go to bike-in cinema without wrecking bike – work on fear, really.
3) Spend intentional time with other best friend and her husband –update them on the past month while not making the whole night about me
4) Find ways to introduce a French Bulldog to a finicky little black cat
5) Buy coffee that actually tastes good in a French press and try not to curse about having left behind a wonderful [expensive] coffee maker and burr grinder
6) Stop being nice to women altogether, or funny – it could/will be interpreted as flirting and might get in the way of self development
So, what does this little ball of truth mean exactly?
I guess I’ll have to pour myself some good coffee (maybe I’ll just head to the espresso cart around the corner) and start a little dialogue with myself.
I’ll have to start the conversation with myself, with intention.
Ask the big questions of myself:
What do I want?
Where do I want to be?
What direction shall I go with my career, or currently lack thereof?
What do I REALLY want in a partner?
Do I want a partner, or do I want to be alone?
Am I ready to erase my past damage?
Who the hell am I, anyway?
It means that I will have to live in my integrity every second of every day: to be honest with myself at all times, take responsibility for my actions, and have gratitude and appreciation for what I have and what I can do.
[*I’m sure I’ll take the usual 10-minute break every four hours like any other job]
I’ll have to complete some incompletions, meaning that if I have ever slighted you in the past, you are likely to hear from me in the near future as I plan to make amends.
I want to re-lay my foundations, maybe do a full remodel while I'm at it,
using recycled materials and renewable resources, just to be safe.
I think I’ll start by making a regular to do list, one that does not need to be written on my arm – we need more TP for goddess’ sake and I’m ready for life to live itself a bit.